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Breakup Excuses
What They Really Mean
We've all been there: the heart-wrenching moment when your significant other tells you it's over. You're left standing there, reeling in shock, trying to make sense of the fragments of what just happened. And then, the excuses start pouring in. In this blog post, we're going to delve into the most common breakup excuses and uncover the truth behind them. We'll explore the psychological reasons why these excuses are used, and group them into categories so we can better understand their underlying motives.
One thing to note is that most excuses have a few things in common: they're difficult to argue with, they're designed to soften the blow of the breakup on you, and they make it seem like none of this is your fault. This is because the dumper's mind is usually made up, and they don't want to have endless discussions about why they're leaving you. In most cases, the underlying reason is that the emotional attraction they once felt for you has faded away. It's important to remember that often, the dumper doesn't fully understand why they're doing what they're doing. All they know is that they want out of the relationship.
It's a catch-22 for them: they want to end the relationship, but they don't want to hurt you. So, they come up with excuses that absolve them of their guilt and make them feel better about themselves. But what about you, the dumpee? You're left standing there, trying to make sense of it all. That's why we're going to take a closer look at the most common excuses and reveal what they really mean.
The Ultimate Breakup Excuse
This excuse is the most common and cliché excuse that people use when breaking up. It's easy to say and hard to argue with. Are you ready for the absolute classic? Here it is:
It's not you, it's me.
This is the ultimate cop-out. The dumper is trying to take the blame off of the dumpee and put it on themselves. They want to make it seem like they're the one with the problem, not you, the dumpee. They want to take the pressure off and make it seem like the breakup is not your fault. But let's be real, it's not about them, it's actually about you. But try arguing with that. It's impossible.
The Art of Dumping
The following excuses are often used to suggest to the dumpee that the relationship might be salvageable in the future. In some instances, the dumper actually believes it in the moment and thinks that since they've had feelings for the dumpee before, they might come back. There is always a chance that the feelings will return, so they leave the door open for reconciliation. This is not necessarily out of malice as the dumper genuinely doesn't know what life without the dumpee will be like.
It's just a little break. I need space.
They're trying to make it seem like they're not ready for a commitment, but they're really just not ready to commit to you. These excuses sound temporary, but if someone is your best option, would you risk losing them over "a little break" or needing "space"? Probably not. Dumpers often take their partners for granted and believe they can easily get them back after seeking greener pastures. They want the best of both worlds, while the dumpee is left with uncertainty and none of the benefits of a relationship.
The Fine Line between Honesty and Excuses
The following excuses are considered to be a mix of honesty and a way to soften the blow. They are often used when the dumper wants to be honest with the dumpee but doesn't want to hurt them too much. The underlying reason for using these excuses is that the dumper wants to be truthful but also wants to let the dumpee down easy.
I don't feel the same way anymore.
This excuse means that the dumper no longer has the same level of emotional or romantic feelings for the dumpee that they once did. It implies that their feelings have changed or faded, and they are no longer in love or attracted to their partner.
For you, this excuse can be devastating as it suggests that the dumper has fallen out of love with you, and that the relationship has come to an end. It can be difficult to accept that someone's feelings have changed, especially if you still have strong feelings for them. It may be hard for you to understand what went wrong, and why your ex no longer feels the same way.
I don't want to be in a relationship anymore.
This one is a bit more straightforward. The dumper is telling you they're just not feeling it anymore. They don't want to be with you. But what they're not telling you is why. Are they seeing someone else? Are they just not attracted to you anymore? Are they just not happy? Who knows.
We just want different things in life.
This excuse is a common one that dumpers use to explain why they're breaking up with their partners. They try to make it seem like the relationship is over because you two have different goals and aspirations for the future. But in reality, they're just not invested in you anymore. They want to find someone who they share more common ground with.
I'll let you be the judge of the following one. Is it an outright lie, or do you agree with the user?
"I love you but, I'm breaking up with you"
That's what cowards say and do.
That's a cheap excuse. Maybe truth idk, but it is fucking cheap.
You love them so you prove it by fighting for the relationship. Why the fuck they leave us if they love us?
Does it make sense? No it doesn't. So you better open the door for them! Who wants to be with a quitter anyway? You deserve so much better than this.
Never believe the words, always believe the actions.
Breaking up without Breaking Hearts
The next couple of excuses that are considered to be the most empathetic and compassionate. They are often used when the dumper still cares for the dumpee but wants to end the relationship.
The Deserve Better Excuses
You deserve someone better.
The underlying reason for this type of excuse is that the dumper feels guilty about ending the relationship and wants to let you off easy by saying you deserve better. It's a sneaky way that dumpers use to make themselves feel better about breaking up with their partners. They're telling you that you're too good for them, but in reality, they're just not attracted to you anymore. They don't see you as a romantic partner anymore.
I don't deserve you.
This is simply a variation of the previous excuse. The irony is that it's unarguable. You may feel that you don't want someone better or different, but trying to persuade the dumper that they do deserve you will only result in awkwardness.
You're too good for me. I want you to be happy.
If you really are too good for them, then why would they break up with you and risk losing you forever? Maybe they are too good for you - or at least that's what they might really be thinking. These excuses are mostly guilt-driven. They feel like they cannot reciprocate what you are doing for them in the relationship. Of course, they could put in the work, but either they have lost emotional attraction or there was an incompatibility issue from the get go due to different attachment styles.
Timing Excuses
The time isn't right.
This excuse suggests that the timing isn't suitable for a relationship and could be due to conflicting life goals or simply because the dumper isn't ready. However, the real reason behind this excuse is often because the dumper wants to keep their options open and may not see a future with the dumpee. To put it in perspective, having the right time is about making the effort, not just waiting for it. The right person is worth making the effort for, even if the timing isn't ideal. But if the attraction is lacking, so is the motivation to make the relationship work.
We're just at different points in our lives.
Dumpers often use this excuse to soften the blow of the breakup and make it seem like the problem is a mutual issue. They may say that differences in goals or perspectives are causing the relationship to fail, but the underlying cause may simply be that their feelings have changed. By framing the issue as a mutual problem, the dumper tries to spare the dumpee's feelings and shift the blame.
Compatibility Issues
We don't share the same interests.
This is a common one that dumpers use to explain why they're breaking up with their partners. They try to make it seem like the relationship is over because you two have grown apart. They want to find someone who they have more in common with, who they're more excited about. The real reason is they are just not that into you anymore.
Let Me Ignite The Rocket In You
I don't want to hold you back. I don't want to prevent you from reaching your full potential. I don't want to be the reason for you not achieving your goals.
Excuses like these are the ultimate form of flattery. They paint the dumper as the noble hero, igniting the dumpee's full potential. But let's call a spade a spade - they just want to cut ties and move on to something better. The irony? Just like a launched rocket, the dumpee will quickly disappear from view and be forgotten.
Actually, Let Me Ignite The Rocket In Myself
These excuses involve the dumper saying that they need to focus on their career, school, or family. The underlying reason for this type of excuse is that the dumper wants to prioritize other aspects of their life and doesn't have the time or energy to maintain a relationship, or doesn't see a long-term future with you.
I need to focus on my career/school/family right now. I need to work on myself.
These two are interesting because they're often used by people with avoidant attachment styles, who feel suffocated and like they can't be themselves in an intimate relationship. They genuinely mean it when they say they need to work on themselves and it's often used by those who need to focus on their career. But these excuses can also be used as a way to distance themselves while still holding on to the possibility of reconciliation in the future.
To understand the true intent, it's important to observe the dumper's actions after the breakup.
You broke up with me to pursue your career. So why the fuck are you on tinder?
My ex broke up with me last week. For the entirety of our relationship he never loved me, nor wholly committed to me because he always had one foot out of the door, knowing that he wanted to move overseas to advance his career.
My dumbass still persisted, and I thought that maybe if he just slowly fell in love with me that we'd be able to pursue something long distance, or he'd wait until I finished university and we'd go together. That never happened. Of course it didn't, and despite knowing he'd move overseas for over a year the breakup still blindsided me; because for a whole year he barely made any concrete plans. He hasn't picked a country to work in, a company, or even a specific field. All of those things fed into my fantasy.
And then he broke up with me. 'I want the freedom to see if I can actually pursue the option of moving overseas, and I can't do that in this relationship.'
You have your freedom now, and instead of investing 100% into the supposed dream that was so important to you, that you deprived me of love for, my newsfeed is just telling me how many new people you're befriending on facebook. I've seen that pattern of behavior once in our relationship before. I hope your heart sank when you saw me as a mutual friend of the last person you added.
I've since unfollowed you. I'm angry. I'm hurt. If you were going to throw me away at least do it for something fucking worthwhile. I feel sorry for whoever else falls in love with you. I feel sorry for whoever ends up on a date, in your arms or in your bed.
Because you've never committed to anything. Not me, not your future, and definitely not them.
What the fuck is wrong with you.
The Uncomfortable Truths
This heading groups together the excuses that are considered the most straightforward and direct. Depending on the situation, you might view them as explanations rather than excuses. They're typically used when the dumper has lost faith in the relationship and wants to be honest about why they're ending it.
I can't trust you anymore.
This one is a low blow. The dumper is trying to make it seem like the problem is with you, not them. They're trying to make it seem like you did something to break their trust. This could be true if you broke their trust. However, if it's used as an excuse, it simply means they just don't want to be with you anymore.
I can't do this anymore. I don't feel safe in this relationship. I don't feel respected in this relationship.
Please note that all of these statements could actually be valid explanations. They only become excuses if they are for superficial and unimportant issues that the dumper blows up to make you the bad guy and justify breaking up with you. Use your common sense to figure out what their real intention is. Usually, if they are valid, it's quite hard to come back from them, especially if you have been unfaithful, taken them for granted, or outright abused them.
Lost Interest
I've fallen out of love with you. I don't see a future with us.
Here we have the dumper explaining that their feelings for the dumpee have faded, or that they don't envision a future together. This type of excuse stems from the fact that the dumper has lost the emotional attraction and may already be contemplating a future without the dumpee. This implies that they are searching for someone with whom they see a future.
The Bomb
It's all your fault.
When the dumper drops the bomb that it's all your fault, it can be a brutal and devastating blow. They unleash their anger and frustration, pointing out every little thing that you did wrong in the relationship. From the time you lost your temper, to the time you left the fridge open, they recount every single transgression and make it clear that it's all your fault.
This excuse is often used as a way for the dumper to absolve themselves of any responsibility for the relationship ending. They place the blame solely on the dumpee and it can be difficult to argue with them, as they've listed out specific examples of your supposed "wrongdoings." It can leave the dumpee feeling confused and guilty, questioning everything they did in the relationship and feeling like they could have done more.
It's important to remember that relationships are a two-way street and both parties have a role to play. It's not always one person's fault and it's important not to take on all the blame. It's also important to remember that the dumper has likely been thinking about breaking up for some time and this excuse is just their way of ending the relationship without having to have an emotional conversation about their feelings.
The Unarguable Excuses
These excuses are considered to be the most impossible to argue with. They are often used when the dumper wants to end the relationship but doesn't want to have any confrontation or discussion about it. The underlying reason for using these excuses is that the dumper wants to end the relationship without any drama or discussions.
Self-Discovery, But Without You
I need to find myself. I need to figure out what I want.
Here, the dumper centers around the idea they need to focus on themselves and their own personal growth. The underlying reason for this type of excuse is that the dumper has likely been feeling unfulfilled in the relationship and wants to explore other options before committing to one person.
Here's what a user on Reddit thinks about the idea of finding yourself:
That usually means that they need to find another person or be with someone they couldn't be with when they were with you. Lol. Sometimes it is true, but most times it is complete bullshit.
The truth is, personal growth and self-discovery can occur within a relationship as well. You don't need to break up to find yourself. You can also do so while in a relationship, provided that you set some boundaries and ask for a little bit of space. With an understanding and supportive partner, this can be achieved.
Open Ended Variants
I need to focus on myself. I need to work on my own issues. I need to work on my personal issues.
These excuses are used as a way to end the relationship while leaving the door open for reconciliation in the future. This type of excuse suggests that the dumper is currently unhappy in the relationship and wants to explore the world on their own. While it may appear that the dumper is looking for someone better, it's important to remember that the dumper may not fully understand their own feelings and motives for ending the relationship. This excuse is difficult to argue with, as it suggests that the dumper needs time to reflect and grow as an individual.
Timeless Classics
We've grown apart. I'm not ready for a relationship right now.
Here we have the timeless classics. Excuses that have been used for decades. They are simple and easy to understand. They are also hard to argue with as they usually indicate a change in feelings or circumstances. The underlying reason for using these excuses is that the dumper wants to end the relationship in a simple and straightforward way, without going into too much detail or explaining their reasons.
Conclusion
In conclusion, understanding the excuses people use can be challenging. Often, the loss of attraction is the root cause, and the person themselves may not fully understand what happened. It's important to not be too hard on them as they may have struggled with their feelings and guilt about the breakup. If you were a good partner, it can be especially difficult to hurt someone who did nothing wrong.
If your ex wants to end the relationship, they may have taken you for granted. During the breakup conversation, you can express that you don't want things to end but acknowledge that the two of you are on different pages now. If you are feeling bold, simply say:
I understand and I wish you all the best.
And then avoid displaying any strong emotions and immediately go into no contact.
Remember to not be misled by the euphemisms used in break-ups. They are simply ways to soften the blow and make the situation less uncomfortable, not promises of reconciliation. These words should not distract from the main message - the dumper no longer wants to be in a relationship with you.
It's natural to cling to hope and avoid the immediate pain of the truth, but accepting the reality of the situation and moving forward is the only way to truly heal and grow from the experience. Don't waste time and energy fixating on these empty platitudes. Instead, focus on accepting the end of the relationship and embracing the opportunities for growth and self-discovery that come with it.