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Breaking Free from Guilt
Why Going No Contact is Not Punishing Your Ex
Heartbreak is never easy, and the aftermath can leave us feeling torn and unsure of what to do next. The thought of going no contact with our ex can make us feel even more conflicted, as if we're punishing someone we once loved. But, the truth is, no contact isn't about punishment. It's about respecting their decision to end the relationship and allowing ourselves the time and space to heal. So, if you're feeling guilty about doing no contact, know that you're not alone, and that taking this step is not only okay, but it's also crucial for your own well-being.
Redditors also offer encouragement when it comes to moving on guilt-free as a dumpee:
It’s normal you want things to be different than how they turned out. Part of you thinks if you are still loyal then it’s not really over and you still have a chance on salvaging things.
Fact of the matter is it’s over for a reason and you should move forward knowing it wasn’t meant to be and if it was it will naturally work out.
I’ve had a girl come back to me and think it was everything I wanted, only to waste more time and have the same result months later. You’ll save yourself a lot more time and heartbreak moving on.
Still hurts like hell tho.
The Guilt of Implementing No Contact: Understanding What it Really Means
Starting no contact is not easy, and it's even harder when you are still in love with your ex. We often find ourselves replaying the relationship in our minds, trying to figure out what went wrong and what we could have done differently. But, in doing so, we often forget to focus on what really matters: what does a breakup actually mean?
When someone ends a relationship with you, it means they no longer want your love. It can be because they can't reciprocate your feelings, and seeing you and your love for them only makes them feel guilty for having to hurt you. This guilt can cause them to avoid you or treat you less respectfully, not because they want to hurt you but because your presence makes them feel guilty.
You might think that by reminding them of how much they've hurt you, they might reconsider their decision. But, think about it from their perspective. If you're not attracted to someone, and they keep reminding you of how bad you make them feel for not reciprocating their affection, would it change your mind? The answer is no. The same goes for your ex. If they're not attracted to you or don't feel the same way, constantly reminding them of their guilt won't change that.
It's important to understand that attraction and feelings are not something we can control. Just like you can't choose who you're attracted to, your ex can't either. Let's consider a hypothetical scenario. Imagine you meet someone who has really bad breath and is struggling in life. As a kind person, you might consider helping them. But, if they insist on blaming you for their issues because you aren't returning their affection, it can be frustrating. You don't want to hurt them, and you're not a bad person, but you can't choose your attraction or feelings for them. So, why should you feel like the bad guy in this situation?
The Unfortunate Reality of Attraction
We often think that if we try harder, if we show more love and affection, our ex will come back to us. But the reality is, attraction is not a choice. It just happens. Your ex didn't have to convince themselves to be attracted to you when the relationship first started. It just happened. But now, that attraction is gone.
The only way they might regain it is if they feel the loss of the breakup just as deeply as you do. But right now, you're making it harder for them to feel that loss by constantly trying to win them back. You see, you lost them the moment they ended the relationship, but they don't feel like they've lost anything because they think they can come back to you anytime since you didn't end things and still show interest in them.
For them, the breakup is just a concept, something that hasn't fully sunk in yet. It can only become real for them if they also feel the loss. The unfortunate truth is that attraction cannot be forced, it just is or it isn't. So, it's important to accept this reality and move on from the relationship.
Giving Them the Breakup: Let it Unfold
You probably find yourself stuck in the same cycle, constantly rethinking your relationship and trying to make sense of it all. We've all been there. But the key to moving on and healing or to get your ex back is to let go and allow the breakup to unfold.
It's easy to get caught up in the notion that you're failing them by initiating no contact, but the truth is, you're not punishing them. Your ex wanted out of the relationship, no matter how sugarcoated their words may have been. And it's a logical consequence that the relationship dynamic between you has now changed because they wanted it to change.
It's important to remember, when making your firm decision to start no contact, that your ex's actions during the last days and weeks have spoken louder than their words. They wanted to end the relationship, and saw no future with you, no matter how nicely they may have explained it to soften the blow and avoid hurting you too much. This is why their words can sometimes be confusing. If you're ever in doubt, don't rely on what someone says, but look to what they do. If their actions don't align with their words, believe what you see, not what you hear.
Initiating no contact and allowing the breakup to unfold can be difficult, but it's a crucial step. Don't get caught up in holding on.
The Consequences of Staying in Touch
Staying in touch with your ex can seem like a good idea at the moment, but it's important to consider the consequences of doing so. When you break up with someone, it's a clear sign that the relationship has ended. So, why would you want to continue a relationship with someone who has already made it clear they don't want to be with you?
Think about it. How long do you plan to stay in touch? What happens if they find someone new? How would you feel if they started dating someone else while you're still being loyal and faithful to them?
Being loyal and faithful to someone who has broken up with you is not what breaking up means. Your ex cannot expect to only receive the positive aspects of the relationship without being willing to accept its challenges as well. Currently, they are reaping the benefits of having you still be loyal, faithful, and holding on, while they may be moving on and meeting someone else. They are receiving attention from all sides without having to make any commitment or be loyal in return.
Imagine how betrayed you would feel if they found someone new but you were still being faithful and loyal to them. The truth is, we often believe that being faithful and holding on will help us fix the situation, but in reality, it only makes things worse. If your goal is to let go, you must take action and move forward, and if you want to get your ex back, the same is true. For them to appreciate what they had with you, they need to feel the loss of it. But they can't do so if you remain close to them as if nothing has changed between the two of you. That's why no contact is key.
They Said They Aren't Looking For Someone New
But they told me they don't have someone new or are not currently interested in dating.
It's common for exes to say that they aren't looking for someone new or aren't interested in dating for now, but the reality is that unless they've decided to become celibate for the rest of their lives, they will eventually look for and find someone else. It's a tough pill to swallow, but it's important to be honest about the situation and not sugarcoat it.
In this situation, it's important to consider what's best for you, not what's best for them. This doesn't mean being rude or hostile towards them, but instead refocusing your efforts on yourself. Get your energy back and refocus your love on yourself. Your ex may not know what to do with these things anymore, but you need them more than ever.
And remember, when one door closes...
When one door closes, another one opens. And, then closes. And the opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge. Oops! #kunalish
Let's remember to smile every now and then, even if it's difficult at the moment.
Let Them Go
When you're around the right people, their eyes light up and they are happy just to be near you. So there's no need to convince someone to be with you. If they wanted to be, they would be.
Never beg for people to stay in your life or be with you. The right people will want to be with you no matter what.
Let them go. Your ex asked for the break up, and you shouldn't feel guilty for honoring their request. You're not punishing them by letting them go, but you are punishing yourself by prolonging your own suffering. The only way to start healing is to initiate no contact. It may be hard at first, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself.
In the words of author Iyanla Vanzant,
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Your ex's actions spoke louder than their words, and it's time to listen to what they actually said: they wanted to end things. So let them go for now, and focus on healing and finding happiness for yourself.