Breakup Dynamics

Breaking Up: Is it more painful to dump or to be dumped?

The Dynamics of Breakups: Introduction

When it comes to breakups, it is often thought that the person being dumped, the dumpee, suffers more pain and intense emotions. However, the dumper, the person initiating the breakup, also often experiences pain and sadness during the breakup process. In fact, it is estimated that approximately 9 out of 10 relationships will fail at some point. This is the dynamic for the majority of breakups, though in cases of significantly abusive relationships, the situation can be more complex.

The dumper often feels a sense of sadness and a lack of choice in ending the relationship, while the dumpee is often left shellshocked and feeling as though they have been hit by a freight train. This is especially true when the dumper has already detached from the relationship and is ready and excited for their future as a single person, while the dumpee is still invested in the relationship.

Understanding Control and Rejection

To understand the dynamics of this situation, it is important to consider the issues of control and rejection. The dumper may not be happy in the relationship for a variety of reasons, often related to internal (such as a fear of commitment) or external (such as a new job or long distance) pressures, rather than issues with the actual relationship itself. In many cases, the dumpee is not at fault for the dumper's unhappiness and may not be aware of the dumper's true feelings or needs in the relationship.

While compatibility is often thought to be a key factor in a successful relationship, it is actually rare for a long-term relationship to end due to compatibility issues. Mature individuals understand what they can and cannot accept in a partner and establish boundaries within the relationship. In shorter term relationships, significant differences in opinion may prevent the relationship from developing further.

For the dumper, breaking up can be a difficult and confusing process. They may feel a sense of guilt and not want to consider themselves a "bad person."

As a result, they may try to minimize the pain they cause to the dumpee by waiting for the "perfect moment" to break up, such as just after the dumpee has given them a birthday gift or they've been on a holiday. However, this can often come across as selfish and may lead to the dumper projecting blame onto the dumpee for their own feelings of sadness and confusion.

Sometimes, there are no signs, however, the following user on Reddit thinks they might also be missed:

mynameispossiblyadam in /r/breakups

She didn’t stop loving you out of nowhere. There were probably signs, but you missed them or were not paying attention. She may have been good at hiding them, but there were likely signs. You found stuff that made you think she was going to leave you. Those are signs, dude.

They’re always reasons for a break up. If she didn’t specifically say, then she’s a bad communicator. Any decent partner would at least give their SO a reason for wanting to break up. The “stopped loving you” spiel is one of the most generic ones, like “it’s not you, it’s me.” It just facilitates the break up so that you can’t reasonably expect to argue back.

Get out of that friend circle, if they aren’t very close friends. Stop following her on social media, and probably get off social media period. No contact is the way to go. You can’t “cope fast.” You need to work on post-break up recovery, and that will take time. It takes time for everyone.

View on Reddit

During the breakup, the dumper may also become angry with the dumpee and use their reaction as justification for their decision to end the relationship. For the dumpee, this lack of control can be confusing and frustrating, as they may feel like they cannot "fix" the situation. The breakup process can be traumatic for both the dumper and dumpee, as each person deals with their own emotions and the end of the relationship.

The Build Up to a Breakup

Criticism and Insecurity

When it comes to breakups, it is important to consider the events and dynamics leading up to the actual breakup. For a significant period of time in the relationship, the dumper may be in pain and may start to project their insecurities onto the dumpee. This can take the form of criticism that may not accurately reflect the reality of the situation and may even be hypocritical.

For example, the dumper may criticize the dumpee for not going to the gym enough or for eating unhealthy, when they themselves feel they are overweight. If they are unhappy in their job, they might drop hints that their partner should try to be more successful. They may also find other flaws in their partner, such as not being social enough, not going out enough, working too much or too little, or not helping with household chores. These criticisms may not accurately reflect the dumpee's actions or abilities.

This criticism can be confusing and frustrating for the dumpee, as they may not understand why they are being criticized and may feel like they are being blamed for the dumper's unhappiness. This criticism can lead to contempt, where the dumper actively dislikes spending time with their partner and may start to eye roll or show other signs of disrespect when the dumpee speaks up or makes requests. This can happen because the dumper feels that they have asked their partner to improve, through the criticism, and they feel like their partner has ignored or dismissed their concerns.

Contempt and Boundary Testing

In addition to criticism and contempt, the dumper may start to test their partner's boundaries or engage in behaviors that are hurtful or disrespectful. This can include phyisical or emotional cheating, partying, lying or hiding information, distancing, ignoring, acting up, being uncompromising, or actively abusing the dumpee. If the dumpee forgives the dumper for these actions, the dumper may lose even more respect for them. On the other hand, if the dumpee challenges the dumper and holds them accountable for their behavior, the dumper may view this as a slight and will later use it as justification for the breakup.

Disconnecting and Lying

As their disatisfaction and contempt grows, the dumper may start to pull away from the dumpee and reduce emotional and physical intimacy. This can be confusing and frustrating for the dumpee, who may not understand what is causing the disconnect. The dumpee may try to ask the dumper what is wrong, but the dumper may be scared of the consequences of being honest and may lie to the dumpee, saying that they just need some time to themselves or that everything is fine.

The dumpee feels that something is wrong and may become emotional and tries to address the situation, but the dumper may dismiss their concerns in an effort to avoid having to face their inner dilemma and because they might still believe the situation can possibly be remedied. The attempt to force the conversation by the dumpee may be remembered as an "unprovoked conflict" by the dumper and will later be used as further justification for when the breakup eventually occurs. Subconsciously, the dumper is looking for all sorts of reasons to justify the breakup but at the same time remains in denial about it and the role they play in it.

Gaslighting and Compromise

The dumper may start to gaslight the dumpee, causing them to doubt their perception of what is really going on. This can occur due to an unequal power dynamic in the relationship, where the dumper holds more power and is in denial about wanting to end the relationship. The dumpee may feel like they have to compromise in order to keep the peace. As a result, they may try to compromise and accept the "blame" for the dumper's actions or behavior, even if this is not justified.

However, this compromise can sometimes be seen as a sign of weakness or neediness by the dumper, who may have lost respect for the dumpee. They feel suffocated and want space. Alternatively, if the dumpee gives the dumper space or tries to distance themselves in an attempt to respect their partner's needs, the dumper may feel unappreciated or ignored. This can create a catch-22 situation for the dumpee, who may feel like they can't win no matter what they do.

Fantasies and Affairs

The dumper may start to fantasize about their past, their single friends, or even about someone else. This is sometimes referred to as the "grass is always greener syndrome," where people believe that their friends are having more fun or that their younger selves were more exciting than their current selves. Social media can also fuel this fear of missing out, as people may compare their relationships to the seemingly perfect ones they see on Instagram, TokTok, or Facebook. However, it is important to remember that these fantasies are just that - fantasies - and they do not reflect the reality of the situation.

The dumper may also become attracted to someone new and engage in an affair. This can be tempting as an escape from their negative feelings and as a way to distract themselves from their problems. However, it is important to recognize that affairs are often fueled by excitement and are not a realistic solution to the problems in the relationship. They rarely last through the transition into a long-term, committed relationship.

Disconnect and Lack of Communication

The dumper may not fully understand their own feelings and may be hesitant to reveal their thoughts to the dumpee, as they do not want to cause any undue stress or upset. They may not have a clear reason for wanting to breakup and may not want to end the relationship unless they are absolutely certain. As the dumper becomes more unhappy and starts to disconnect from the dumpee, they may become less open about their feelings and may not communicate as effectively as they normally would. This lack of communication can be frustrating and confusing for the dumpee, who may trust their partner and expect them to be honest about their feelings. The dumpee may try to respect their partner's need for space or time to themselves, but this can sometimes lead to the dumpee feeling uncertain about their place in the relationship and walking on eggshells.

The dumpee may feel like they are constantly trying to please the dumper, but no matter what they do, it is never good enough. This can be frustrating and confusing, as the dumpee may feel like they are doing their best to handle conflicts and issues in a mature way and to understand and compromise with their partner's perspective. However, the dumper may view these efforts as a sign of weakness or neediness, leading to a loss of respect for the dumpee. This lack of appreciation can be difficult for the dumpee to understand, as they may feel like they are doing their best to be a good partner.

Seeking support

The dumper may start to feel unhappy in the relationship and may feel that their partner is not adapting quickly enough to their criticism. They may have lost respect for their partner as a result of this criticism. In an effort to cope with these negative feelings, the dumper may start to distance themselves from their partner and seek support from friends and family.

Negative Reinforcement

In order to justify their feelings of unhappiness, the dumper may turn to their support system of friends and family for help and advice. In an effort to validate their feelings and make their decision to breakup seem justified, they may emphasize the negative aspects of the relationship and complain about the dumpee's flaws. This reinforces their decision and may even lead them to vilify the dumpee, portraying them as a difficult or unreasonable partner.

The friends and family of the dumper may offer quick fixes and encouragement to breakup, telling the dumper that they deserve better. They may try to convince the dumper that ending the relationship is the best course of action, and may even try to manipulate the situation in their favor, as they might have their own agendas.

The Decision to Break Up

After weeks or even months of being in pain and silently struggling with their own conflicting thoughts and feelings, the dumper may finally decide to end the relationship. In an attempt to lessen the blow, they may choose to fade out gradually over a period of a few weeks or wait for the "perfect moment" to break up, such as after the holidays or after receiving a gift from the dumpee.

However, this can often come across as selfish and may lead to the dumper projecting blame onto the dumpee for their own feelings of sadness and confusion. The dumpee may be shocked and feel like they have been hit by a freight train, while the dumper may feel sad but also like they have no other choice.

In some cases, it may take several attempts before the dumper is finally able to follow through with the breakup.

The Breakup

The breakup is the final and often most painful stage in the process leading up to a breakup. It is the moment when the dumper, the person initiating the breakup, ends the relationship with the dumpee, the person being broken up with.

The Dumpee's Reaction

The dumpee is often shocked and blindsided by the decision, feeling betrayed and experiencing intense pain. The dumper, on the other hand, may feel relieved and even proud and courageous, with their friends and family congratulating them and offering support.

The dumpee may feel rejected and may struggle with their self-esteem, particularly if they have a high ego. They may feel confused, wondering why the dumper would choose to end the relationship, or may feel worthless and spiral into depression. Regardless of the strength of the dumpee's ego, the pain of rejection is difficult for everyone to cope with.

In an effort to understand what happened and why the situation is irreparable, the dumpee may try to communicate with the dumper and offer solutions to try to fix the problem. However, any explanation provided by the dumpee will not be sufficient, as both parties are acting from an emotional rather than logical perspective. The dumpee may try to remind the dumper of all the positive aspects of the relationship and the successes they have had together, but for the dumper, it is too late. They have spent months thinking about the relationship and their own feelings of unhappiness, and may feel frustrated and uncomfortable with the dumpee's attempts to seek answers and resolution.

The Dumper's Justification and Blame

In this unequal dynamic, the dumper often pushes all the blame onto the dumpee, listing all the things the dumpee has done to push them to this decision. The dumpee may try to work on their own flaws and try to compromise, but the situation is beyond repair. The dumper may present a list of minor conflicts spanning years as justification for the breakup, but these may not actually be the real reason for the breakup. The dumper may just be using these conflicts as an excuse to justify their decision and escape from the pain they have been feeling.

The Dumpee Seeking Closure

The dumpee may seek closure from the dumper, hoping for a final understanding of what went wrong and why the relationship ended. However, the dumper may not be able to provide this closure, as they may not fully understand their own motivations for ending the relationship. The dumpee may also feel further hurt by the dumper's lack of empathy and understanding of their pain.

The aftermath of a breakup is often difficult for both parties, as they both struggle to cope with the pain and emotions involved.

The Aftermath

After deciding to end the relationship, the dumper may want to keep the positive aspects of the relationship while getting rid of the negative elements. This can be because they just want to escape the pain and discomfort of the situation. As a result, they may suggest maintaining a friendship with the dumpee.

The Dumper's Fantasy

The dumper's ego may believe that they can keep everything they want and discard everything they don't want in this "friendship," creating an ideal fantasy situation for themselves. This dynamic allows them to have total control, maximum benefit, and no cost - essentially a parasitic relationship. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for people in this position to exploit the power dynamic for their own benefit, even if it means acting selfishly. The dumpee may unwittingly feed into the dumper's ego, exacerbating this dynamic. If the dumpee begs or pleads with the dumper to come back, the dumper may feel even more powerful, knowing that they have the option to return to the relationship if they want to.

The Dumpee's Reaction and Desperation

The dumpee may try to win the dumper back by acting extra nice or by following the advice of their friends and family, who may suggest sending gifts or letters to the dumper in an attempt to persuade them to return. However, this may only serve to make the dumper feel more powerful and guilty for hurting the dumpee. Despite feeling guilty, the dumper may not want to feel like a "bad person," and so they may turn to their own friends and family to mock the dumpee's behavior, which serves as positive reinforcement for the dumper. The dumper may also view the dumpee as unattractive or pitiful, a confirmation bias that further justifies their decision to end the relationship.

The Dumper's Guilt and Fear

If the dumper feels guilty or like a "bad person," their friends and family may step in to vilify the dumpee as manipulative, helping the dumper feel justified in their decision and bolstering their support. At this point, the dumper has ended the relationship but still has the option to return at any time, with the support of their friends and family. This can be an ideal situation for the dumper, as they have everything they want without any negative consequences. They may even continue to receive gifts and attention from their ex, further reinforcing their feelings of power and control. In this new dynamic, the dumpee bears all of the cost and none of the benefits of the relationship.

The Spiral of Negative Emotions and Complete Cut-Off

The dumpee may be left feeling hurt, rejected, and without any closure, leading to feelings of desperation as they try to win back their ex or understand what went wrong in the relationship. The dumper, on the other hand, may struggle with guilt and a fear of manipulation, leading them to keep their distance and not fully engage in the "friendship." This lack of communication and understanding can lead to a spiral of negative emotions and ultimately result in the dumper cutting off the dumpee completely.

Complete Disconnection and the Dumpee's Healing Process

The Dumpee Hits Rock Bottom

At this rock bottom moment, the dumpee may feel completely disconnected from their former partner and may struggle to process the pain of the breakup. It's natural to feel anger and resentment towards the dumper for not treating you as you deserved, but it's important to try to move on from these negative emotions in order to avoid letting them impact your future relationships.

Dumper's Denial

On the other hand, the dumper may not fully confront the consequences of their actions until they are completely separated from their ex. This can be a confusing and difficult time as they may have left the relationship because they were unhappy, but now they find themselves unhappy without it. The dumper may try to distract themselves with new activities or partners, but they may eventually discover that these things don't bring the satisfaction they were hoping for. It's rare that the dumper has addressed the underlying issues that caused them to be unhappy in the first place, so they may continue to feel unfulfilled and confused.

In some cases, the dumper may enter into a new relationship only to find that they repeat the same patterns of behavior and criticism that led to the breakup of their previous relationship. This can be a frustrating cycle for both the dumper and their new partner, as the dumper may struggle to accept responsibility for their actions and may make unfair comparisons to a fantasy version of their ex.

The Fading Affect Bias

While it's natural to hold onto grudges after a breakup, research suggests that over time, our negative memories tend to fade faster than our positive ones. This concept is known as the "fading affect bias," and it suggests that as time passes, both positive and negative memories lose intensity, but negative memories tend to lose intensity more quickly. However, studies have found that this effect may not be as significant in the aftermath of a breakup, as people often hold onto their grudges. This may be because the minor positive aspects of the relationship are overlooked while it is still ongoing, but they become more apparent after the breakup.

Maintaining Control

In the aftermath of a breakup, it's not uncommon for one or both parties to try to maintain some control over the situation by stalking their ex on social media or trying to reconnect with them in some way. However, this can be a destructive behavior that only prolongs the pain of the breakup and prevents both parties from moving on.

The Long-Term Effects of Breaking Up

When a relationship ends, it is common for both parties to experience some level of pain and heartbreak. However, the way in which each person experiences and processes this pain can vary significantly. For the dumpee, the initial breakup can be a difficult and overwhelming experience, but it is often the realization that they are completely on their own and may no longer have the support or presence of their former partner that can lead to a rock bottom moment. This realization can be especially difficult if the dumper has taken advantage of the dumpee or has completely cut them out by blocking them. Over time, however, they may be able to process this pain and move on, often by accepting that the dumper did not treat them as they should have and by learning to accept the situation as it is.

On the other hand, the dumper may initially feel a sense of relief at ending the relationship, especially if they were feeling unhappy or unfulfilled in the relationship. However, as time goes on, they may begin to feel a sense of responsibility for their actions and the position they are in. They may feel a small but continuous level of pain as a result, and may even try to return to the relationship if the pain becomes too much to bear. The dumper may feel that they always have some control in the situation and can approach their ex if they wish, but the dumpee does not have this same sense of control and may have to accept things as they are in order to reduce their pain.

While it is true that the dumpee may face the most intense pain in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, the dumper's journey is often overlooked and underestimated. The dumper may be in pain before the breakup even occurs, and may feel that ending the relationship is the only way to stop this pain. However, once the relief of the breakup fades and their fantasy of a new and improved life becomes boring or unfulfilling, they may be left with their pain and a sense of isolation. Without someone to blame, the dumper may come to realize the consequences of their decision and may feel regret for ending the relationship.

It is not uncommon for both parties to go through this cycle of pain and recovery after a breakup. While it may be difficult to try to reason with someone and explain what will happen before they experience it for themselves, it is important for both the dumper and the dumpee to try to work through their emotions and find healthy ways to cope with the pain.

Summary

In summary, when a relationship ends, both parties may experience heartbreak and pain, though the way in which each person processes this pain can vary significantly. The dumpee may initially feel a sense of rock bottom and complete disconnection from their former partner, but over time they may be able to move on by accepting the breakup and learning to let go of any resentment towards their ex.

On the other hand, the dumper may feel confused and unhappy after the breakup, even after experiencing brief relief. They may blame their former partner for their unhappiness and repeat the same mistakes in future relationships, constantly comparing their current partners to their past ones. They may also struggle with the question of "What if?" and wonder if they made the right decision to end the relationship.

It is important to note that while understanding the difficulties and challenges the dumper may face after a breakup may provide some hope for the dumpee, it is important for them not to hold onto this hope and instead focus on their own healing process. Every situation is unique and the difficulties the dumper may experience may not necessarily apply to their specific situation. It is important for both parties to work towards acceptance and moving forward, in order to fully heal and move on from the relationship.