Letting Go of Anger

The Fury of Heartbreak: Understanding the Emotion of Anger After a Breakup

When a relationship ends, it can feel like a part of us is ripped away. The hurt and betrayal we experience can be overwhelming, and one of the most common emotions that people experience after a breakup is anger. But why do we hold onto this anger? Dr. Harriet Lerner, a renowned psychologist, explains it perfectly:

It’s very hard to stop hating our ex because the hate and anger keeps us connected to that person. It keeps us connected as powerfully as love keeps us connected.

When our trust is broken by someone we loved and thought would always be there for us, our minds and hearts go into overdrive trying to make sense of it all. We may feel like we're stuck in a whirlwind of emotions and can't seem to shake off the anger. As Dr. Lerner goes on:

[...] what I’ve discovered in my clinical work and research, is that we have this unconscious fantasy that if we just hang on to our justified rage, and we hang on to our suffering long enough, that then, the other person will finally get it. You know, they’ll somehow magically see the light, and they’ll realize how they’ve harmed us and they’ll feel as bad, or, better yet, even worse than they’ve made us feel.

In some cases, this anger becomes a form of revenge, a way of showing the other person how much they've hurt us. But, as Dr. Lerner points out, this is nothing more than a fantasy. Holding onto our anger and suffering will not change the past. Instead, it will only keep us stuck there, unable to move on and live in the present.

So, when we leave the anger behind, and we stop clinging to this angry internal dialogue, we also give up the fantasy of obtaining justice. We give up the false hope of a wish for a future, but what we gain is the ability to live in the present, and to move on in a real way.

Dr. Lerner concludes.

The Emotional Toll of Holding On

Holding onto anger and hate towards an ex can take a toll on our emotional and mental well-being. It's easy to get caught up in the fantasy of seeking justice and the belief that if we hold onto our anger long enough, the other person will finally realize how much they've hurt us. But this is nothing more than a fantasy. Holding onto anger and hate only keeps us stuck in the past and prevents us from moving forward.

Furthermore, holding onto anger and hate can also affect our relationships and interactions with others. When we're consumed by anger and hate, it's hard to fully engage and connect with the people around us. It can also lead to toxic behavior and negative interactions with others.

The Illusion of Justice

It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling like a victim after a betrayal and to wrap pain and suffering around ourselves like an old, familiar blanket. Staying angry and feeling like a victim can also be a form of taking revenge. It can be a way of showing the other person how deeply they have hurt us through their actions, but it's important to recognize that this is not a healthy way to cope. Moving forward in our lives and letting go of our anger and hate may feel like we're letting go of our need for justice and saying something like,

I am healing and moving on, so the harm caused by their actions is not defining me anymore.

It's important to remember that when moving forward feels like missing out on justice, as if we are forced to forgive our ex, so instead, we tend to hold on to our negative emotions and stay stuck.

The Part You Could Control

When we experience a betrayal, it can feel like we've lost all control. We didn't choose for our relationship to end, and we couldn't control what our partner was doing. But, in the midst of all the chaos and hurt, there is one thing that we can control - our emotions. Anger and hate are emotions that we can hold onto, and no one can take them away from us.

In the aftermath of a breakup, it's natural to want to gain back some of the power and control that we've lost. Holding onto anger and hate towards our ex can make us feel like we have some sort of leverage, like if they would just show remorse and apologize for their actions, then we would be willing to let go of that anger. But the problem is, even if we hold onto our anger, it doesn't actually give us control over our ex. They may never realize or accept that they wronged us, and even if they do, they may never apologize for it.

During the breakup, there was nothing we could do, we had no power or control. But now, holding onto our anger gives us the illusion of control. It's a crutch that we use to gain back some of the power that we felt like we lost during the breakup. But the truth is, it's unhealthy and it's not actually helping us. We need to let go of this illusion of control and accept that our ex's actions are not going to change. Letting go of our anger and hate is the only way to move forward and regain true control over our lives.

Detaching: Letting Go of the Past

Detaching from a past relationship can be a daunting task, one that requires a great deal of courage and inner strength. It's a process that can be filled with anxiety, as we move away from a familiar pain and towards the unknown.

When we let go of our anger and suffering, we make room for joy and happiness to enter our lives. But with each step we take towards healing, we may also experience a sense of nostalgic longing for the past. We are leaving behind a relationship that may have been a big part of our lives, and it's normal to feel a sense of loss.

It's easy to get caught up in the fantasy of seeking justice and the belief that if we hold onto our anger long enough, the other person will finally realize how much they've hurt us. But as we let go of our anger, we also have to let go of the dream that the person who hurt us will ever feel remorse or come back to us. It's a hard truth to accept, but it's an important step in the process of healing.

Letting go of anger and bitterness is not something that we can simply decide to do one day. It's a process that requires courage and inner strength. As we move away from the past and towards the present, we are preserving our dignity and integrity. Anger is not a "bad" or "negative" emotion, but it's important to recognize when it's time to let go of its detrimental effects.

The Choice of Forgiveness: Moving on and Finding Closure

Forgiveness is a personal choice, and it's not always necessary in the healing process. It can be a powerful tool, but it's also important to remember that forgiving someone who has hurt us is not an easy task. It's not about excusing or forgetting what they did, but rather about finding peace and closure for ourselves. As the famous quote goes,

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

When we forgive, we are releasing the hold that anger and hate has on us and allowing ourselves to move forward. It's about taking control of our emotions and taking the power back from the person who hurt us.

Forgiveness is a personal process and one that can take time. It's important to remember that forgiveness is not a one-time action but a journey. It's not something that can be forced or rushed. It's about taking small steps towards understanding and compassion towards ourselves and the person who hurt us.

Holding onto anger and hate towards an ex can take a toll on our emotional and mental well-being, and it's important to recognize that it keeps us stuck in the past and prevents us from moving forward. Forgiveness is a powerful tool that can help us release the hold that anger and hate has on us, and find peace and closure. It is a personal process that takes time and can be hard, but it's worth it in the end. Remember, it's not about excusing or forgetting the past, but about finding a way to move forward in a healthy way.

The Path to Healing: Letting go of Anger

Letting go of anger and hate towards an ex after a breakup can be a difficult and painful process. It's important to remember that healing takes time and it's not something that can be rushed. But there are steps we can take to help us on our journey towards healing.

One way to let go of our anger is to focus on the present and the future, rather than dwelling on the past. This means accepting that what's done is done, and recognizing that our ex's actions and behavior are not a reflection of our worth as a person. It's important to remember that we are not defined by our past relationships and that we have the power to create a new future for ourselves.

Another key aspect in healing is self-care and self-compassion. This means taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and mentally. This can include things like exercise, therapy, journaling, and spending time with loved ones. It's important to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves, rather than beating ourselves up for not being able to move on more quickly.

It's also important to surround ourselves with positive and supportive people who can offer us encouragement and a listening ear. They can help us process our emotions and offer a different perspective on our situation.

Possible Setbacks

Rejection

Letting go of anger and hate towards our ex is no easy feat. It requires time, effort, and a lot of self-reflection. While we may think we have successfully let go, certain events can trigger a resurfacing of our anger and cause us to take a step back in our healing process.

Rejection is a common setback that many of us may experience after a breakup. Whether it be a job rejection or a romantic rejection, we may find ourselves blaming our ex for putting us in this situation. We may think,

If they hadn't broken up with me, I wouldn't be in this situation now.

But it's important to remember that rejection is a part of life and it's not solely caused by our ex's actions.

Losses

Another setback that we may experience is the loss of something or someone important to us. This loss may remind us of the loss of our relationship with our ex and the betrayal we experienced. It's important to remember that this loss is not caused by our ex, but it's a reminder of the unhealed losses we've experienced in our lives.

Healing is not a linear process and it's normal to have good days and bad days. It's essential to have patience and understanding towards ourselves amd accept that setbacks are a normal part of the journey. But with each setback, we have the opportunity to learn and grow from it. We must remind ourselves that our ex's actions do not define us and that we have the power to control our emotions. We must continue to focus on our own healing and moving forward, knowing that true peace and closure come from within.

In closing, let's look at an inspiring story on how things can turn out if you truly let go.

An Inspiring Story of Letting Go of Anger

When I first went through my breakup, I was overwhelmed by a whirlwind of emotions, with anger and hate towards my ex at the forefront. I couldn't comprehend how they could betray me, and the thought of forgiveness felt impossible. I felt like a victim, and this only fueled my anger towards them, especially because before our breakup, everything felt so perfect. I couldn't shake off the past and move forward.

But as time went on, I realized that holding onto that anger and hate was not only hurting me, but it was also giving my ex power over my emotions. I knew that I needed to let go of that anger and find closure if I wanted to move on.

It wasn't easy, and it took a lot of courage and inner strength. But I started to understand that I needed to find inner peace and closure for myself. I realized that my ex's actions were not going to define me and that I deserved to be happy.

I let go of the fantasy that my ex would ever feel remorse or see things the way I did. I gave up the dream that they would come back to me, and I stopped ruminating about the past. I allowed myself to let go of the anger and hate that I felt towards them.

It was a journey, and I still have moments where the anger creeps back in, but I know that I have the power to let go of it. I've learned that detaching from the past takes courage, but it's a necessary step in the journey towards healing and moving forward. I've found closure, and I've found peace. And for that, I am truly grateful.

An Affirmation For You

Read this affirmation daily in order to let go:

I choose to let go of my anger and hate towards my ex. Holding onto it only serves to keep me stuck in the past. I understand that my ex's actions do not define me, and that I have the power to control my emotions. I will focus on my own healing and moving forward, knowing that true peace and closure come from within. I am strong, I am capable, and I will not let my past define my future. I am open to finding love and happiness again.